* * *

Ayesha! Listen! Are you there? Are you telepathically reading my mind? Are you reading this? Read this! These following thoughts. Read this! Get me out of here!

* * *

"Uh. Uh. Hum," exhaled Susan.

* * *

"Uh. Uh. Hum," exhaled the nuns in the temple. The Buddha did not blink.



* * *

How can I escape? Will you help me to escape? AH-ROOM. AH-ROOM.

* * *

"Around and Around," he said, his eyes squinting, "Countless lives."

* * *

Are you reading this? Why don't you read this? How can I reach you unless you read this? Read it, dammit!

* * *

Ayesha, listen! You're listening? Of course. Now, what is going on?

No, you tell me. You can eavesdrop any time. I can't. Where is my body? Yeah. Okay. And when do I get out of here? Hmm. You don't know? Why not? Can't you do it? You don't know? It hasn't worked? Yet, just yet. But soon? What is the delay? Hmmm...you don't know, do you. You don't know. Dammit, I'm trapped here. For how long? Is it forever? Forever? How can it be forever? Won't I die? Listen! Read this! My body looks dead already. But I'll live forever? DAMMIT! Don't talk like that! Look something up! Get on it! Protect my body in your apartment! Look. I'll give you all my money. Protect that body. Listen, dammit. Listen. Are you reading--reading--my mind? My mind? What a dream-nightmare. What an illusion. Read all of this! Don't go away. Not yet. Wait. Not yet.

Gone.

* * *

"I've got to escape," the young monk exhaled, looking at his executioners. A half moon rose in the evening sky.

* * *

He watched Susan's legs as she walked down the hallway. She turned to look over her shoulder and smiled. "You fool," he thought, "she means nothing by that. Don't read anything into it." Moving hips, invisible spine, vaporous breath, all beneath her clothing. All to be read, one way or another. All to be known, one way or another. So far, only imaginary reading.

* * *

"AH. ARGH!" The great teeth grimaced in the darkness. Pains shot through my left arm, ran up to my heart. Fear leapt to my mind. "Damn you!" I shouted, spinning, sending a scimitar of sparks against the great blue body. I looked to see if she had escaped. But she only stood there, smiling. Had it been a trap? A trick to prevent me from escaping?

"UH! UH!" I groaned, watching the blood pour down my arm. "HUM!" I exhaled, and it became almost tolerable. The mouth opened again, as if to close again.

"AH. ARGH!" it said.

To the South, the range of snow-covered mountains appeared as if rows of teeth. Open. Closed. To the North, other white mountains. A great circle. AH ROOM! AH ROOM!

* * *

I asked Suzanne, "What are you smiling about?" With half-closed eyes, she answered, "You will never know." And for some deep black unknown reason, I was furious, for I knew it was true. I wanted to strangle her then and there.

* * *

The figures swayed back and forth in the semi-darkness chanting, keeping warm, staying alive. The world was paralyzed in the grip of winter, but they did not yield to it. "AUM. AH. HUM." They repeated, mixed with other portions of the loose-leafed text before them. The older ones had it memorized. The younger ones had to read it over and over. They almost fell asleep, their minds almost wandering onto the snow fields. Hang on! Hang on! Don't let go!

* * *

The rectangle of light was before him. He stared within it, looking at familiar forms, familiar gestures. But he still did not understand. He heard no words, understood no signs. Who was she? What was she doing?





* * *

Whisper. Whisper. He lifted his head to listen better, but it did not help. Whisper. Whisper. Who was talking? Had he been dreaming? All about him in the blackness he felt the presence of bodies. He felt them breathing, but could see them no better than he heard them. Were they really there? Was Suzanne within arm's reach as he thought? He reached to verify this truth. But it proved false. Not in that direction or in any of the others did he find her presence, only an empty wooden plank floor. He sighed and felt sleepy but shook it off. He raised his head. Did he hear a whisper? Yes. But no. But whisper whisper. But no. He was mistaken.

* * *

I looked at the window. She was there. But she did not stay. She left the room and suddenly I was surprised. Another light came on. It was in the nearby bathroom. Through the partially opened blinds, I saw her form, at the sink, I presumed, near the medicine cabinet, near the rectangular mirror. I did not move. She did not move. Steam obliterated any further sight, misting over the window. I looked away, annoyed with myself for seeing too much, for seeing too little. Perhaps next time, I will see more, or see less.

* * *

"UH. UH," Suzanne exhaled, "UH. UH," laughing, she threw her leg around me, "UH. Huh." My hand moved down her side, over her hip, onto her thigh. "Hum! Hum!" she exhaled, smiling the smile of a relaxed angel, a serene face, a sublime mouth. "Hmm," she said. I said nothing, watching the transformation of a human woman into a goddess. She caught my expression, a little later on, and asked "What is it? Why are you looking at me like that?"

All that I could say was, "Nothing."

* * *

My fingers moved around the nipple. It became like a small tower, but ripe and red. My lips moistened it, and the fingers returned to it. Around and around. (AH. ROOM. AH. ROOM.) the smile of the Goddess. "Yak po du," she whispered.

I knew she was saying "This is good," but I did not know how I knew.

* * *

"Susan!" I shouted at the mountain. "Where are you?" But the snows and the great crack did not answer. What made me think that she could hear me from this place? I shook my head and wondered. How could I know where she was, if I didn't even know where I was? What was this place? I sighed, looking at the rock strewn plain.

"It seems," I said to myself, "that perhaps, just perhaps, this place is my world, my only world now."

I shuddered, and threw that thought away towards the wind-swept lakes. "But how can this be mine if I can't even feel the wind?"

Ayesha! Dammit. Are you reading me? Listen! Speak up. Tell me where I am. At least let me know that! Ayesha!

* * *

"Hello! Hello!" Impatiently, I waited for the ringing to stop, the black telephone receiver was held to my ear, my mouth, while the index finger of my other hand reached over to cut off the connection. It paused above one of the twin black buttons. It was like a tower, round and firm, reaching up to my finger, waiting. Because of the button, I listened to the ringing at the other end a little longer than I would have otherwise. Smiling, I put the receiver down upon it. Gravity made it a firm fit.

* * *

The next time the monk appeared, he laughed and said, "My name is Geshe Thubten Sengey. I am a monk of the Mahayana white hat sect. Who are you? Speak truth, if you value your life."

I stuttered, unable to speak.

* * *

The next time the blue man appeared, he laughed and said, "My name is Dai Goro Bogdu. I am a god of the white mountain, northeast of this place, near Tangu-la. Who are you? Speak truth, if you value your life. Caught off guard, I was unable to speak.

* * *

Ayesha! Listen! I'm watching. Oh! AR-RGH! AH! Listen! Hurry! I'm, holding on! Uh! UH!

* * *

Ayesha! Yes. Yes. I hear you. What? You know this place? You found out its name? Perhaps?

* * *

Read this! Get me out of here!

* * *

Ayesha, come on. What do you know? Tell me. Yes. Yes. That is strange. Yes, yes. High plateau...this is the far Western section? The mountain. The name of the mountain. It is a holy place for both the Hindus and the Buddhists. Pilgrimages to it? I've seen no pilgrims, but...go on. Its name. What is its name? It is Mount .

* * *

Hang on! The snow.......slipping!

* * *

Kailash! The name is Kailash. The abode of Shiva. The abode of other gods. Take your choice. High above, they exist. Or deep within, both in mass and/or in the orifice, the great lightning crack. The lingam and the yoni. What? Lingam! You know, lingam. Within the yoni. With the yoni itself in the lingam. What? What?

* * *

He stood in the knee-deep pile of refuse, and he sighed very deeply. What certainty was there, was a life's work strewn about, and there is no one to pick up after your death?



* * *

The wind came from the dark ocean as I tried to approach it, hurling me back into the night, back to the street lights. It was almost impossible to approach Far ahead, when the cold wind would allow me to open my eyes, were thunderclouds on the horizon. They were only visible when the running line of yellow lightning flashed illuminated their low hanging flat bottomed shapes. A long purple crack, a space between cloud line and horizon line, flushed purple and ran from left to right before vanishing, and before re-appearing a few moments later with another set of unheard bells, striking the distant water. It was as if the edge of the world was protecting itself from any casual approach. Above that, most amazingly was the rising full moon, encircled in a midnight rainbow of unknown origin, to startle, to rise up until the moon moved, and then, beneath it, coming from nowhere, sent by nothing, were the curtains of the Aurora Borealis. It could not be believed. "I don't believe it," I said, the words being blown away by the icy winds. I struggled towards the raging surf, resisting the wind, which resisted me. The constellation of Orion hung above everything. "I don't believe it," I grinned, gritting my clenched teeth into a grimacing smile, knowing all along that it was true, and that any other realization was untrue, or unsuitable





* * *

Kailash vanished in the snowstorm. Shiva, Manjusri, all the gods and Bodhisattvas, vanished as well.

* * *

Ayesha, listen. Listen calmly. Answer me. Do you have any intentions of getting me out of here? Don't get defensive! Can you do it? Oh. You thought that you could, but something is wrong. Fine. That's just fine. I had better get used to waiting. Dammit! What about my body. You say, it's got you for company and that's better than nothing. What is this, a joke? You'll keep it company? You'll keep it happy? Ayesha! What are you talking about? What are you doing with my body? Ayesha! Dammit. She's gone! And here I am stuck in Western Tibet near Mt. Kailash.

* * *

Geshe Thubten Sangey said,

"You have a special problem. Perhaps I can help you."

"Why should you do that?" I asked the monk.

"You can become my chela" (disciple), he answered. "In exchange, I'll try to help you."

I was cautious. "What does a--a--chela have to do?" I asked.

"Devote your life to me," he smiled.

* * *

Dai Goro Bogdu said,

"You have a special problem. Perhaps I can help you."

"Why should you do that?" I asked the blue man.

"You can become my servant," he answered. "In exchange, I'll try to help you.

I was cautious. "What does a servant have to do?" I asked.

"Give your life to me," he smiled.

* * *

"No thanks," I said.

"You will be destroyed," said the monk.

"I will destroy you!" grimaced the blue man. Sparks appeared from his fingers.

"Dammit," I muttered, cursing Ayesha. "Look where you've gotten me!" And then, as the flaming hands were lifted, I thought of Susan, as if to say goodbye. Her image was first diffused, but became sharper. I closed my eyes to avoid seeing the flames fly towards me. After a long silence, when nothing happened, I opened them. The figure with the flaming fingers was gone. I was in the empty Nd Drwa alone. Even the thought of Susan was gone.

* * *

At the hospital, my brother was gone. He had been moved, and they had not told me. "After all," one said, "you did not sign..."

"Dammit," I snapped. "Is he alive? Is he dead? Where is his body?"

"Oh," said the officious secretary, "he's alive, allright." And I thought to myself, "If you want to call that alive."

She continued. "He agreed to be moved to a nursing home where here is some therapy." I cocked an eyebrow. The words sounded right, but her tone indicated deceit. It must have been my imagination.

"Where is he?" The question-giving was followed by an answer giving explicit details as to how to get to my brother. In the long run, they were missing some basic truths. "He's in a nursing home at Rosebury, west of Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania. You go through the Delaware Water Gap. You follow Route , then onto Route . You take Highway . You go left through a little town of , you follow Street "

It seemed simple enough until I began travelling on the highway. The first was easiest to find. The others, the turns, the cut offs and shortcuts were long in coming. "I must have passed it...but no, that's impossible. Where is the road? Which way do I go?"

The snow began to whiten the distant hills as I raced along the highway, South to North, and East to West.

* * *

Hands quivered. Feet shook.

* * *

"No deal," I said to them both. "I'll be no monk's disciple. I'll be no damn god's slave."

"Servant!" snapped the white lips, "I said `servant'".

"The hell with you," I snarled. The red-rimmed eyes squinted, as if due to smoke.

"You are not very prudent," he said. "Someone else may ensnare you. Someone not as kindly as myself."

I did not believe this blood red mouth for a moment. I did not believe the monk either. I turned my back once, and the Nd Drwa was empty.

* * *

Where is this place? I've been travelling so long! Have I lost my way? The directions were correct, but the details were too nebulous. The distances weren't indicated. For instance, that first turn, that highway number to the right was twenty miles beyond where I had assumed it to be. The next turn not two, but thirty, and so forth. I would have known this had I had a map,a but the way it was, the suspense was aggravating. West of Stroudsburg indeed! All the way to Wilkes Barre! Amid steep hills collecting a slick of snow, highways crowded with trucks, which acted as if they had no brakes. Would I end up in a hospital before I got to the nursing home hospital? There it is! A series of crisp squares in the snow.

* * *

"Senor!" the mad old Spanish woman called out, followed by "Senorita!" and so forth. "Senor! Senorita!" It vibrated up and down the hall, over and over again. Her eyes looked at no one, as she inched along the wall, holding the built-in rail. There slippered feet made two inch steps slowly. Even though the building was new, there was a heavy smell of urine in the air. Room after room ("Senor, Senorita") held grey thin bodies. Some were in bed. Some were sitting in chairs. All seemed to be blankly looking into space. But were they seeing at all? Was it too late to see? (SENOR! SENORITA!) Snow was accumulating outside on the black remnants of coal mines, the devastated landscape, the dead landscape has lost all of its living topsoil. The subterranean poisons were all lying in view, face up to the sky. Sluggish erosion rivulets across the mounds of black were frozen into position. No spring would allow anything to grow here again.

"SENOR! SENORITA!"

"SENOR! SENORITA!"

"Can't you shut her up?" I heard my brother's voice say to a nurses' aide. "They're all crazy here. I'll go crazy!" When he saw me he said, "I've got to get out of here!"

I mumbled something like, "It looks like a clean place."

He continued. "There's no therapy here. They tricked me to empty a hospital bed!" I mumbled, "How is the food here?" My nerves were jangling. I had to get out. How long had I stayed? How quickly could I leave? Damn! I glanced at my watch. I had been there only five minutes!

"SENOR! SENORITA!"

I had to get out of there! I felt the devastated landscape, senility, paralysis, old age and decrepitude pushing in upon me. A mortality, a slow fading, a stinking mortality filled my eyes. I glanced to and fro, hoping for some good sign. None of the patients seemed aware of where they were. Some were not even aware of this lack of knowledge. A few were--you could hear them sobbing or crying from other rooms. My brother frowned. "It's so far--so far from everyone I know. No one will come here. No one can come here. I've got to get out."

I glanced about. There was no nurse named Susan there either.

* * *

The roads were empty. Snow was threatening and seemed about to obliterate the distant hills in a haze. I drove fast and then I drove faster. I did not realize it at first, but it became obvious the longer I was on the road. At first I thought it was due to the possible snow. But then I realized that it was the force, the knowledge that the nursing ;home was to my back. It pushed me away. I ran away. Faster I went. Why was I doing this? Why was the highway such a blur? If was as if I could run away from it all.

"Senor! Senorita!" I slowed the car. I knew I could not escape the thoughts with mere speed, rushing eastward on the highway.

* * *

"Have you met anyone in the Nd Drwa?" asked the monk, appearing quietly to my left. I glanced at him, shrugging.

"Who is there to meet?" I asked, being evasive. "This is not exactly Times Square."

"Times Square?" asked the monk, but I did not explain. Geshe Thubten Sengey laughed. "Aha?" he asked. "Something to do with time and shape! Time Circle?"

"Square!" I snapped before I realized that he was joking. He laughed at my confusion. "You have not answered me!" he insisted. "Who have you met here in the darkness? "

I avoided his eyes, and spoke down at my clothing. "I don't know how to describe him," I began. I quickly glanced at his steady gaze which seemed unshakable. "He was blue," I blurted out.

The monk jolted, his hands shaking. He looked quickly to his right and left.

"Aroo!" he exclaimed. "You have seen him!"

I was surprised by his reaction, not having seen him react in any way before. "What are you upset about? Who do you think I've seen?"

"Dai Goro Bogdu!" he spat. "That demon of the white mountain!" His hands still shook. I began to laugh at his reaction.

"He's not a demon," I stated calmly. "He says that he is a god."

"You fool," he spat. "You absolute imbecile! He is a destroyer! Beware!"

And with that, his figure vanished into the darkness.